What do I say?

"I don't love you anymore, I don't want to be around you, I don't want to be your mother anymore!" Those were the last words your 3 year old son heard from you. Is that what you wanted? That beautiful boy has been through so much at such a young age but he always has that adorable melt anyone's hearts smile. He acts out in anger and sadness and doesn't know how to control it. I've been punched hit kicked and bit and so has his grandmother. He throws things and screams and even hits himself because he has no idea of his emotions, what he's feeling and how to control them. He was never taught. This is what you did to this innocent child, are you proud? I'm doing my best to help him deal with all of this and supporting his father as he prepares for yet another court hearing. This time, you are signing off because he hurt your feelings but not wanting to come to your house. I've seen a change in him, he's more active and smiling more and he is starting, slowly, to calm down. From time to time, he asks about you. It breaks my heart when I see that child hold back tears as he looks at me and says "my mommy doesn't want me anymore, she doesn't love me." What do I say if someday he asks why? I don't want to tell him the complete truth but I don't want to lie and get his hopes up either. I've been through the emotional abuse he is going through so it kills me to see it happen to him as well. I've never gone through the emotions of a parent signing off. I can't imagine how he must feel. Are you happy now? You have your precious family now that you kicked the oldest out cause he was with another man. How the hell do you sleep at night knowing you gave away your own child because you didn't want him in the first place? What kind of mother are you? I will not call you a mom because a mother will pop out a baby but a MOM will raise and take care of the baby. Which you didn't want to bother doing. Don't worry, I will make sure he gets the love and attention he needs, he's happy with his daddy and I. In case you care about his happiness.

This will not define me!

I have had health problems since I started my monthly cycle when I was 9. I would cramp so bad and the cycle would last days or weeks on end. I would hurt to the point I couldn't walk. My pediatricians said it was normal. I never mentioned it again. When I hit teenage years I would have pain in my lower back and stomach to the point it made me dizzy, hurt to walk and very fatigued. No one would listen when I told them this. It was all in my head.

When I entered college in 2009 it got to the point I couldn't get out of bed to attend class. I was rushed to the hospital so much that they just put me in the same room, told me the same thing, and sent me on my way. I went to a new doctor who finally listened to my problems and set me to a urologist. I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis which is a chronic bladder disease that is not curable only treatable. I began treatment and was doing better until the pain got worse. Birth Control Pills were not helping the monthly's and each month it hurt to the point of crying and not moving. This year I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was also told something is wrong with my uterus. All of this has gotten to the point where I just didn't want to handle it anymore. I was sick of hospitals, doctors, medications and no answers! I was sick of doctors being uncaring and insensitive and thinking they know my body better then I do. Its frustrating.

People look at me and say "you don't look sick so you must not be sick, I don't SEE anything wrong with you." That's the point, just because you can't SEE somethings wrong doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You don't know how I feel, you don't know how my body works only I do!! So don't immediately say I'm lazy for not doing something, or say it doesn't exist because you have no idea what it's like to wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed, to hurt so bad that work has become unbearable.

I have decided that despite all of this that I am not just going to survive each day and that I will not give into the pain any longer. No more babying my body. I will get the help I need, I will live my life the way I see fit and I will overcome this and hope one day for a cure for both diseases. I know there is a lot of downfalls like not being able to conceive, and shaving more than normal and the constant weight battle but I will not let this disease control my life. I am more than this disease. It will not define who I am.