Confessions of a Broken Heart

Divorce is a confusing time for children and it's even more heartbreaking when the parents still can't get along after the divorce. You left the 'family' when I was 4 years old. I was scared and confused. My last memory of when you and mom were together was when I was sitting by your side in the hospital room after she threw a glass ashtray at your face. I didn't think I would ever see you again. From what I can remember, you took care of us when you lived at home. She went to work and did whatever else she felt like doing while you made sure we were taking care of. We had visitations with you until I was 7. Spending every other weekend with you wasn't fun all the time but at least I knew someone cared. Once both parents got remarried things changed. I never seen or heard from you again once that happened. Why was that? What did I do wrong? Those are the questions I keep asking myself. As I wake up every weekend around 2am listening to screams and things being thrown and nasty names being said I think, "When will you come save me daddy?" As I rush to my mother side at 10 years old trying my best and using my strength to pull my step-father off of her, all I can feel is scared, angry and confused. This isn't how life is supposed to be is it? Are all families this way? Where is my daddy who said he would never leave me?" Why must I carry the weight of this family?" Every weekend this happened. When he would leave or pass out I would run to my room shaking and crying begging God to save me from this nightmare that I live. Begging you to come back to us and take my sister and I far away from this place. 

As you lived your life with your step-children and new son I began taking care of my family. I rescued my mother every weekend and sometimes on the weekdays before school. I took care of my sister who was a year and eleven months older than me but mentally was younger. I took care of the house just surviving day by day. We moved around a lot but you already knew that didn't you dad? Since your wife has been keeping track of us but no contact was made. We lived our life in poverty barely making it sometimes. I became numb and barely showed any of my strong emotions. I hit it all from the world with "my life is so wonderful smile" No one knew the tears I cried at night as I begged for answers I would never receive. As you raised children that doesn't belong to you and your new child as happy as you can be living the life I dreamed of, your daughters, your flesh and blood were hurting. 

You came back into my life at the age of 17 when I was about to leave for college. All I could think was is this really happening? Then it hit me, why would you come back into my life now after I was all grown up? I let that thought slip from my mind and was overjoyed. When my mother kicked me out you took me in. I lived with you during the summer and got a job and took care of myself. You helped me get into doctors appointments to figure out what was wrong with me. You called me daddy's girl and took care of me. I've never been so happy in my life. I should have known not to trust you.  You didn't take me back in the 2nd summer. I bounced from house to house until school started. You would barely answer my messages especially my cries for help. I began having nightmares of the past, I couldn't sleep in the dark, I jumped at every little noise. I had constant anxiety attacks and concussions from falling. You acted like you cared during those times but in my heart I believed you. 

You took me in one last summer. It wasn't a good one. Your wife made snide comments about my recovery from Eating Disorder and Self Harm. I began working 2 jobs and going on bike rides daily. You and I had some fun nights just talking. I felt like I was part of your family with just you and the kids. Not her. When I met my boyfriend and he came up to stay with me she waited until the day he was leaving to kick me out. What did you do? You just stand there!!! I was crying and pleading for you to do something. I was begging to be your daughter, a priority in your life but it didn't work!! Your words to me which I will never forget...If I pick you I loose my wife, if I pick her I loose you." So you chose her over me! You left me like you said you never would, I no longer have a mother and her family will not speak to me but my sister and now I lost you for the 3rd time! I can't take this anymore, I am done begging and crying. I shouldn't have to beg to be apart of your life. If you want me there you would of put me there along time ago. But you didn't. I hope your happy.