I wonder....

I wonder what it would feel like to have a mother hold you when you cried? To have a mother be there by your side? I see mothers and daughters together all the time at all ages and it makes me hurt. I lived with my mother for 17 years. I remember some laughs during the good times and how good it felt. It made me feel like we were a real 'normal' family. On the outside we were, but if anyone would of known what happened behind the closed doors.

My mother married my step dad when I was 8. I have always wanted a father, mine left us when we were young and we had visitation for awhile then he disappeared. He seemed like the perfect guy. When they got married everything changed. My mother drank at night and so did my step father. The difference was she could control her alcohol 95% of the time....he couldn't. He was abusive and mean towards her. I remember early mornings on weekends or weekdays waking up to defend my mother. Even though I was so young. My mother was never there for me, she kept taking this guy back for his money. She didn't care about us and our welfare. I remember pulling him off of her while he choked her, I remember screaming and yelling and trying my best to stop him from throwing her down a flight of stairs which he did despite my efforts. When he got in my face during those times, I shouted back told him to leave my family alone. He began threatening my life and took a knife to me while my own mother encouraged it on saying I would beat his ass. I hid all of this from mostly everyone. I was so ashamed of this life we lead. They were married 4 times to each other alone. the constant abuse between each other, the nasty words said to me. I was only 10 years old fighting for my mothers life while taken care of my older sister who has a mental disability. I wonder what would of happened if my mother was different? If she never married that man? Would I be happy and enjoying a mothers love and friendship that I have been wanting for 22 years? I sit and think how I wish things were different, how I wanted a mother to share secrets with, to be there for me through good and bad times to just be a mother. Even without him around, my mother is judgmental and can't stand that she has a daughter who looks like me. She favored my sister over me but told everyone I was the responsible one and that I would be the one to take care of the family. Once he was gone every year, sometimes in prison sometimes in a hotel, I would be the 'man of the house' it was a nightmare but it taught me how to take care of myself.

She ended up kicking me out when I was 17. I was homeless, living in between houses and college dorms. I've been taken care of myself all my life so I was able to get through this. My dad came back into my life when I was 17 he took me in until his wife got jealous of me being close to my dad and she threw me out at the age of 20. I met my boyfriend then and have been living with him and his adorable 3 year old son for the last 2 years. I know if anything happens between us I'll be homeless again. I have plans set-up just in case cause I'm so used to having to leave that it just comes natural to me. I know I am strong and I can get through all of this. I just wish I had that mother/daughter bond most people have. I wish I had a family.