Road to Recovery

Ever since I was about 8 years old I began a battle no one ever should have to face. I was battling myself, which until a couple years ago I thought it was a losing battle. I began hating myself to the point to self destruction. There's a lot of ways for self destruction like drugs or alcohol, my way was just as worse. It was a way to make me feel what I thought I deserved.

When I was in middle school I began to be bullied and not just at school but at home as well. I was bullied for my weight, looks, being poor, and for the clothes I wore. I remember those cruel words everyday of my life. They echo in my mind "fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, pig," the list goes on and on. I began to over eat when my emotions became too much for me to handle. I gained weight fast. I began hating every aspect of my life more than anyone else could hate me. I would over eat then obsessively exercise. I couldn't stand how I looked and would either cry or want to punch the mirror. I stayed quiet about the changes going on and no one cared to notice, they were to busy with there own lives. I realized I wasn't losing as fast as I wanted to and a vicious, never ending battle took place. I began to starve, binge eat, and obsessively exercise. I couldn't stop once I started. I dropped weight though. I still wasn't happy with myself, come on I was still fat and ugly. My self-esteem was non existent. I became isolated and quiet. Spent hours on end in my room, I did well at school making honor rolls. No one knew this was going on or the battle I fought daily. I was a "kind hard worker with a beautiful smile" as my teachers described me.   This cycle continued throughout my teenage years and when I reached 14 it became worse. I couldn't control my emotions anymore, I felt so much and had no idea what I was feeling. I was trapped, alone, scared, confused, sad, angry. Too much for me to handle. I began taking these emotions out on myself making sure I felt the pain and hatred I just knew I deserved. I couldn't stop, I know I needed help but I didn't feel I deserved it. Most of the times I still don't.

Things began to change when I was almost 19. I was in LHU and I was homeless during breaks and a friend took me in with her 2 children and 2 other friends who needed a place as well. I will never forget her or her beautiful children. I was still self destructing but I hid it well from the children. Although, the 3 ladies knew about it. On May 18, 2010 I was very low that day and I couldn't handle anything. I hit my pain and the things I did but the ladies knew and tried to get me some help which I refused. That night me and the 2 girls watched the children for there mother and little girl wasn't listening as I put her on time out. She looked right at me and said "I wonder what will happen if I hurt myself with this" I lost it. I felt guilty, ashamed, confused, angry and most of all sad. What kind of example and influence am I? Why must I continue to suffer like this? I need help. I need to change. What example will I be setting for children and most of all, for myself?

I began to seek help and got myself into the college trauma therapy. It was there I was diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and ED. I went through sessions of hypnosis, spent countless nights with nightmares as I was reliving everything in my past. Repressed memories came forward and I was trying to escape from them as I always do but I stayed with that image of that little girl in my head. I ended up "graduating" from trauma therapy but these illnesses wont go away, I knew I had a long road ahead of me trying to overcome them and not let them control my life any longer.

When I got together with my current boyfriend and his son things went downhill again due to tons of triggers that I couldn't handle. I began an inpatient therapy for 2 weeks. It scared me but I became more determined to get better for this new and only family I have. I didn't want to lose them because I love them more than life itself. I began doing outpatient therapy for 8 months when I had to stop due to my boss not liking me being late due to appointments.

Now it's May 22, 2014. I am almost 4 years clean of self harm, my nightmares have subsided somewhat, I am doing better at eating right, I have lost weight healthy but due to PCOS I have gained some back and it's not triggering me but I can't stand it. My self esteem still needs a lot of work, my emotion management needs a lot of work and my thoughts are doing better. I'm not going to sit here and say I'm a 100% better because I'm not. I'm not a car you can stick in the garage and it's perfectly fixed. I'm a work in progress and I'm learning not everyone is perfect. Yes I have more bad days then good sometimes but I also have more good days then bad. I will overcome these illnesses eventually, it's an uphill battle and I know now, it can be won. I will overcome this. I will be free. I will stay strong and win.